Since we have known each other I continue to see us “Borging” with eachother or as others with a much more deeper library of words and phrases would call “Co-Dependent”. I mean this in no negative connotation what so ever. I love that we think the same thoughts, see the same things for what they are and react to things in our lives pretty much the same way. It wasn’t like that in the beginning, and of course I do have to state we aren’t lemmings with our individual thoughts and actions as we definitely have opposite views on a lot of things. I’m talking day-to-day things.

In social gatherings we tend to be side by side and don’t leave each others sight. LOL. Maybe for the bathroom or getting a drink, but for me I need to be within her space. LOL. I want to be around her and I need to be with her, daily.  I wouldn’t rack this want to being post NewlyWeds since we’ve dated 6 years prior. I’d rack this up to Love. On the flip side If I needed to go hang with the boys or her with the girls we both have no issues doing so and while we miss each other in those fleeting moments we both KNOW we are still “here”.

I think because we are so close and know what ones’ feeling that we aren’t as social as other couples are. We become introverted in places where we don’t know as many people as others do. That also depends on the ‘people’ in that if we feel they aren’t receptive to our 2-3 hour friendship then we retract and be ourselves with ourselves. Not sure if that’s a bad thing or not as I like to think we are pretty social. Meh.

So that’s where the ‘awkward silence’ comes into play.

Don’t.

I have friends who don’t currently have children of their own. Let me be more specific. I have friends and non-friends who got a wife/woman pregnant then was there 100% from birth til NOW. Married or otherwise, these individuals – both men and women have opinions much like anyone else about how to raise children, babies, toddlers, tweens, teens and 18+.  The ones who don’t have kids of their OWN have very different opinions of those who do, on how to ‘raise’ their children. Seems very obvious that the latter is on target with realism of raising kids.

It’s not to say one cannot/should not have an opinion to which they have had ZERO real life experience– I have opinions on religion, politics, military, art, music, violence, laws etc. Most of which I am not in that field of real world experience yet, I have an opinion. Experience in life gives you the authority to speak about certain topics and come across knowledgable and able to convey messages and information without sounding like an idiot. Still. There are those out there that think they ‘know’ it based off of tiny bit of experience, what they read in a book, what environment influences their decisions, family background…it’s the cliche ‘Walk a mile in my shoes.’– which is 100% true. This cliche is linked to ‘empathy’. Empathizing is usually, not always based on previous experience of the persons having the same or similar experience. An example would be a woman giving birth talking with another woman who has given birth- they both have that connection through the experience. If there was a 3rd woman in the group who hasn’t had a child yet and she had an opinion on what it WOULD be (having a birthing) like her opinion maybe respected by the other 2 women but they both know she’s fucking clueless. Cept, the nod and smile and agree to keep up apprearances of social acceptance. It’s bad karma making another person feel clueless.

So, here I am hearing about someone giving others opinions on child rearing and I LOL. The sum experience of this person having anything closely resembling a ‘child’ is a pet. Yet, their own disposition of being an ‘authority’ on all things doesn’t prohibit them from soliciting their views on the ‘how to”s and ‘should’ and ‘need’.  They simply like to hear themselves talk. Once you have your own child everything changes. Not a little but everything. Sure you have your pre-child plans and most may come to fruition but you really aught not ‘plan’ for things since most are simply going to happen or NOT and you have no fucking control over what happens.

My ideals on raising my kids was loosely based on my parents job at raising me. I can proudly boast about my childhood as among the worlds BEST. I wasn’t picked on for being a fat little round kid. I wasn’t ostracized for wearing glasses. I wasn’t from a very poor background. I didn’t have any issues in school and growing up in my neighborhood. I was loved by both married parents and got along with my sister *until she got to be a teen*. My fun and joy derived from my family without any major complexs within. So, with that I viewed my kids in a similar but different world. I didn’t plan on being strict but I am. I wanted my kids to be straight A students but they’re not, they pick and choose the classes they get ‘A’s” in.  I didn’t want my kids subjected to moral views of liberalism: gay rights, gay marriage, amnesty for illegals– but they are. They take it all in a make their own judgements on many topics listed. I can’t do a damned thing about it now. It’s too late. My job as a parent is to guide them. Give them my real world experiences and hopefully they can learn from my mistakes and successes and run with it with their own flair. I wanted my kids to be Religious/Spiritual and they are but I tell them that there are many religions out there and that they NEED to learn about them and don’t believe one religion is better than another. I get in trouble with their mother over this….she’s a quasi-practicing Catholic (only when it suits her needs)…if my kids later on choose to be agnostic, I will laugh on the inside…but remind them that an open mind is a right mind. Irony.

I got off on a tangent. Main point of this is, those who don’t have kids of thier OWN. Need to stop and think before you speak about how to raise kids in all facets of their lives, be it: dating, money, sex, career, school, sports etc.  I listen more intently to those with similar experiences than those who only ‘guess’ what is right for children. If you don’t have kids of your own than your opinion amounts to ZERO.

Mom visiting me at my job Video Store Manager

Seems weird knowing today 3 years ago my mother passed away from lung cancer. I was just back from seeing her in the hospice in Pennsylvania (Bethlehem) when I got a call from my father who was devastated. They were married 39 years, so close to 40. My mother smoked since she was a teen and the cliche caught up with her towards the end with night coughing at 3 a.m. The sound is indistinguable. She knew it, we all felt it in one way that it was coming. It had to, you can’t smoke 2-3 packs a day for years and not having cancer. My mother tried to fight it but she’s not so much a fighter when it comes to bad news, she’s inherintantly bitter. For reasons I’ve no clue she slowly became bitter with the world around her, maybe it was the knowing. She was, overall a blessed and happy person and very much a strong personality. Fiesty is a minor description of her attitude but moreover it’s just a small word for the presence she gave in our family. Being one of 5 other siblings growing up in Cincinnati her life to me is kinda gray, she never talked much about her past, I can only assume things. I assume she was street smart, especially having heard and varified she hitch-hiked from Cincy to New York City as a teen. She kept her past hidden, I’ve inquired on many occasions only to be brushed aside with a wave of her hand.

My parents gave me and my sister a wonderful childhood, teen years and beyond even to this day. Their generosity knows no bounds and if it did it was based on it’s own limits of giving. My mother was huge to me, she was both stern and passionate with an extreme amount of cynicism that flourishes in me today. She gave me my guilt trip skills, my hoarding of ‘things’, my ‘must look for SALES’ when I shop. Although not physically compassionate like hugs and too many kisses, which I can squarely aim her affection on her mother (she was ice cold for a grandmother) she showed her love in so many other ways, with smiles. Her smile warmed me instantly as a child. Her nod gave me so much confidence. Her being gave me confidence coupled with my father being my rock.

The saddest thing for me with my mother passing is the visual pain my father went through. He lost the single most important touchstone in his life. I cannot (but will) imagine losing someone that close for over 40+ years of being together. We have had countless conversations ending in sobs and tears over missing her. We go through the “shes here’” routine and that she’s ‘around’ but it’s obviously not the same, even if her spirit is here.

I do my damndest not to regret my times with her as we at times did not see eye to eye on a lot of topics; family, love, career, life. We did come together when it was all said and done, knowing we are family and nothing is stronger than the bound connection one has to his/her mother and father.

I always keep you in mind and heart when I deal with my new family; Ashton, Autumn (I call my daughter that in Honor of my mother who named her that Middle name), Raechel and Aspen. I take my past dealings with you and practice a “What Would Mom Do?” tone, sometimes it’s obvious but most of the time her influence on who I am is so subtle it’s shocking, even to me. It takes A LOT to shock me.

I love you mom. I hope the time you did spend raising me and Marcy was fulfilling and you should know you were, are and will always be loved by us. All.

One of the skills I have acquired in my 30 something years here is my ability to adapt and go solo. I can eat alone in restraunts, provided I have a book, iPod or something to look at. I can go to movies alone. I can go to bars alone. I can do alot of social activities alone, one of which mentioned going to bars alone ultimately led me to meet my wife. If I hadn’t had the balls to go to the KansasCitySingles events I wouldn’t have met the people and wife I met.I don’t mind being alone…rather…I used to not mind being alone.

Now, I  need my family and close friends to be around. I need my wife within 8-10 hours departure. If it hits over 10 hours I start to feel lonely and withdrawn- provided no one else is around. ala Kids fill the void of loneliness in the house. I wish the business trips would include my wife and family but for some of us the rules do not allow loved ones to come along. I shrug.

I do notice I become an introvert when I take these trips. A stranger in strange lands, I believe it will change over time. D.C. is interesting but with what I do and work from 7 am til 6pm Mon-Sat I don’t have a lot of spare time to see things, I tend to have a window of 6 hours of ME time. The evenings I’m so tired from stress and the days events that I have no motivation to go out. I will order a pay per view non-porn movie, I will go down to the Hotels’ restraunt or bar and order up a nice meal then I go back up to the expensive room and veg. Wondering about what my wife is doing at that exact moment or moments. Where my kids are and what they are doing, hoping they miss me. I miss them.

Kinda funny, when my kids are with me I don’t pay as much attention to them as I want to with local distractions but when they are away from me, be it their *ugh* mothers house or at school or when I am on trips, I long for them to be in my presence. Not necc. with me interacting from working on school projects, throwing a Frisbee around but AROUND me in some sense. I think that’s a comfort zone….I don’t know, I just know when they aren’t with me I feel less. I often wonder if they ‘feel’ the same way— I doubt it. They are loved everywhere they go and spoiled to a certain degree of never being alone ‘alone’.  That is not to say growing up I was alone more than normal or using extraoridinary instances where I was neglected. I was a ‘latch key’ kid from age 7..(back in the 70s one could trust ones kids could walk the neighborhood without being kidnapped/raped/killed/molested  at least it was relatively safe in Omaha.)- being a latch key kid you learn to fend for yourself for basic needs: food and entertainment. My kids are ‘mini-van’ kids where they are picked up from school or bussed home. I shrug again.

So coming up I will go through my routine as a business man on a business trip where I must maintain sanity working with at times, insane people. I need to maintain the facade of respect among my peers. I will do what I’m told, I will take initative in doing things and making things work. Loneliness will creep up on me in the evenings, when I then make my phone call to my wife, listen to her inflection for any stress or happiness. I will gauge how she answers the phone and adjust appropriately.Telling her I really DO miss her and love her. We will talk for 20-30 mins about our days events and drama, we will whine to eachother about work, kids, ex wives and ex husbands. Hanging up the phone – maybe clicking the ‘end’ button on the phone I will settle back in the King Sized bed and fall asleep watching the Weather Channel. God willing I will be able to sleep in a strange bed and dream of my family with good thoughts and love everywhere.

You are.

The irony of growing up and our children’s life experiences is that we (Alix and I) both have lived on the extremes of middle class childhood; sex, drugs and rock-n-roll plus 10…or X 10 yet we don’t want our kids to know certain aspects of it for fear of: do as I say not as I do, ‘if they did it I guess I can’- venues would ensue and our embarassment over our actions as teens would make our own kids’ actions look like childs’ play. Or maybe not. I think all kids go through their own transitions of experimenting with their surroundings and those who can pick out the good and bad, wrong from right, is what makes them who they are and defines them. We have been blessed thus far with 4 children who are so diverse it’s simply amazing. We have- in my personal opinion a cross section of the American Teen. We have: the introverted jock whose interests range from girls, video games and girls, the way to old for her age girl who is mega popular and book smart but her cynicism may get the best of her. Another is again very popular not with all her friends but boys and has a lot of friends that are boys, she craves attention in all forms and needs to be able to talk with mom to feel grounded. The eldest is a matriarchial type protector of the others when she sees fit but tends to lose focus when it comes to her own responsibility, popular as well but her click is one of extremes and or outsiders based on their race. There is one more and closely resembles the younger man but not in the jock sense but literary sense, full of ideals but is so scared of rejection it holds him in a stasis of life, I believe this one has great potential but his environment is all wrong. He simply or maybe not so simply needs a push, continual reassurance, subliminal suggestion to move out and on and see the world much like Jack Kerouac. 

My young goals as a teen were focused on ladies, sports, ladies and popularity. I achieved them all to certain levels of degrees based on what I thought was a goal. For ladies it was to always be with someone who was interesting, sexy and I seemed to go for the damsel in distress/wrong side of the tracks & virgins. I liked the mix. Sports; my body was waif like up until I was in college but I enjoyed all sports and excelled in most but always knew my limits. My father’s influence is great in the competition area of my life, his ideals and pushes influenced me to do better in sports and other areas too like drawing, imagination and others. I still compete but not so much in sports as I have gone mild and lazy when it comes to physical activity besides sex. I’m at times a walking talking cliche. I hope that our kids do much better than we do in regards to health at this point in our lives. 

I don’t actually have a point to this ‘Kids’ posting just wanted to write something. I probably won’t have ‘push-button’ topics on here or post about how intellectually superior I am to the world, friends and family (because I’m not) or how politics, religion shape me. I also won’t go on about how YOU should do something based on my experiences– I don’t like reading blogs in their absolutes and how your opinion is nothing without validation of how many friends you have on Facebook or Twitter followers. Be real. Fo Sho.

It’s plain as day to me. My cries of Neo Marxism, Socialist ideals that my friends laughed at and ridiculed are coming to fruition. My guess is those that are still in the Obama camp don’t see it that way, they see and hear what they want. The U.S. Government just ousted General Motors CEO. What’s next? The precedence of this administration is taking it’s foothold NOW while it can much like Bush did post 9/11. The “citizens” are scared shitless after 9/11 so we gave Bush Carte Blanche to take care of business “terrorism” wise of which was granted Carte Blanche by both parties Republicans and Democrats. Now with the economic crisis we are scared shitless again but in the monetary sense of chaos…in this case it hits us directly than terrorists on our TV’s. To me it’s the same deal in that we give the elected officials too much power and blindly go about our business ignoring what actually is happening.

I want bad business to fail. I don’t want my government having a piece of it, I want them to fail. Let the companies that didn’t hedge their investments prosper and be rewarded with lower taxes. Let the BASIS of Capitalism take hold once again and let those with ethics, strong investment plans succeed instead of letting those skate by while we cover them with cash bandaids. If I fail as a citizen, I fail. I could get ‘help’ from the Goverment in the form of (already paid for) unemployment checks but beyond that it’s up to me to FIX my problems and make better. Personal responsibility shouldn’t be just for me but for the companies and institutions across the board. Having Obama Co. taking parts, sections of these failed industries is a bad idea. Soo many questions that need solid answers but No ONE can answer them.

What makes this interesting to me is much like a scene out of a book or older movie. The parents of this little boy are always in their drive way talking to him, making sure his coat is properly on and has his lunch box. Their garage door shows me they drive a mini-van and a 4 door sedan. Their garage is typical but well lit and is over flowing with essentials any suburbia home would have, except this garage has an almost tangible ‘warmth’ to it. 

So as I sit in my 1990′s late model vehicle I watch their interactions. They lovingly walk their son to the bottom of the driveway and the couple are no more than 2 feet away from eachother during the entire event. The kid, who looks to be maybe 10 years old is simply going along with it. He seems neither upset or flustered his parents are showing extra affection towards him. As he woddles down the driveway to the waiting bus I see kids in that bus, none are looking out the window. The kids seem to be used to this. Some might be jealous. Some don’t care. Some might make light of his doting parents. 

At this point, after witnessing it a few times I cherish watching it unfold. The small ritual. The part that makes my heart smile is when he is ON the bus making his way to his seat. I can see his shadow walking down the isle, and the entire time that he steps onto the bus his parent, side by side are watching and waiting for their son to turn to see them. At which time they wave. And wave. I can never see if their son waves back but the parents continue to wave until the warning STOP sign and yellow bar go up, telling us impatient drivers we can move. As the bus moves forward I slow down to read the parents faces to see if they are for real. They are, they both have proud parent smiles and genuinely seem happy. 

I see the bus make it’s left turn and still smiling to myself I make small little prayers/hopes/wants that the kids on the bus do not make fun of him. Or his parents. I wish at that point that I could be sitting next to him protecting him from the barrages of mean kids and their apparent lack of intelligence. It’s a rare sight to see and I appreciate these strangers and their son. 

NK

My mother and father stayed clear of any type of controversy amongst their friends they hung out with during the 60′s, 70′s, 80′s, 90′s and now. They grew up in the late 1950′s and everything that entails with having large families 5+ siblings. I cannot relate to their type of flip flop, hypocrit’ness. Can’t do it. Won’t. 

My current circle of friends come and go as my focus is on my family. Recent friends I’ve made over the past 5+ years also waxes and wanes with the months. An interesting discovery for me was that I realized most of my friends are very liberal on their views of the government, social and world stances of not only policy but ethics. I ‘realized’ it by seeing books in their homes, reading their blogs, over hearing their political views during the past 18 months of all-mighty praise Obama campaign. I readily and publicly admit that I never saw that coming, Obama being elected. I didn’t vote for him. I think he may do a good job in certain arenas of the political machine but in the end he is a politician. All that goes with the word “Politician” can be filled in by your personal experiences. My experiences are they are one and the same; out for themselves and their political interests. They are bought and sold like any other previous politician. Black, Muslim, White or Indian…same to me. My friends on the other hand are very optimistic about the future with this particular President. So much so that they will lose friendships over it. Some have. I didn’t.

My political, social and religious views are what I would consider moderate…if they can be…labels are a welcome item when needed-  I don’t believe they are when it comes to the 3 White Elephants mentioned. I believe in limited government in social programs, I don’t want to rely on the government for handouts. I believe we need a strong military across the board. I am Pro Choice..rather since I am a MAN it’s entirely up to the woman to decide let alone politicians and religious zealots. I want the current laws enforced on illegal immigration, we don’t need a ‘Wall” we need more man power. Don’t reward illegals with any form of amnesty while we laugh in the face of those who came here legally and followed the rules. I don’t care about Gay Marriage, just don’t ask for preferential treatment simply because your gay, I take offense to that..I also take offense to the overt and public “shouting” that you are gay and that it’s “Natural”…to me…it’s not..if your gay “go you” but I certainly don’t need you in my face telling me your gay…. My guess is a Gay divorce would be 5 X worse than a hetero divorce. My strongest belief is Education, based and start from the local/city governments where it’s current forms where it’s not working is scrapped and modeled/amended (for it’s environment) after models that do work. If this means higher and newer taxes I’d be HAPPY to pay that kind of tax. We cannot have stupid and illiterate children for our future. We also cannot have under paid teachers. On Healthcare I have mixed feelings, the Healthcare industry is THE problem not the patients. They over charge, under care and simply don’t care about fixing the problem. I think people confuse a Hospital with something, an entity that actually ‘cares’ for you, they don’t it’s a business. Like Microsoft or GM it’s a business in business to make money off of you and me. I’m all for Capitalism but you need to do so in an ethical manner. Charging me $3000.00 for an emergency visit for my daughters 104 degree temperature and still not finding out what was wrong with her is a fair price? A total of 2.5 hours…= $3000.00. Granted it was covered under my insurance and I DO still have to pay a modest deductible..the actual charge is wrong. Again, I’m not sure what we the people can do about our Healthcare, I feel if we socialize it we will bankrupt the Government within months…we have a lot of sick people here…and a lot that would take advantage of ‘free care’. Thats an entirely different post.

So that’s much views on politics/social areas– what would you label me? *meh* What do you believe in?

I do know I love my Alo and appreciate everything she does and does not do. Everything.

Below are some great pics my wife took this past Spring and Summer.